WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
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Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?