Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
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Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.