Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
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I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?