wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
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Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.