Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
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Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Many hands make light work
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes