WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
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I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.