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I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
new wife guy just dropped
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”