“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
You Might Also Like
You had me at “define legal”.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Sheep
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him