@TeaAndCopy

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

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@david8hughes

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

@MissHavisham

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

@clichedout

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

@pleatedjeans

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

@chestrovert

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

@GrantTanaka

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

@juliareinstein

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

@cloudypianos

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

@unravelingfire

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.