WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
WIFE: 3½ kilos
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

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“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”


“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.


nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down


me: would not recommend


Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president


I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day


Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”


pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates


everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades


I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.