WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
WIFE: 3½ kilos
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

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“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.



Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.


My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.


Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him


The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.


Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.


Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”


My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.


If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.


*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*