@TeaAndCopy

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

You Might Also Like

@LeonEarlgrey

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

@thejamietighe

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

@heatherlou_

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

@QwertyJones3

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

@notalogin

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

@mjkspeaks

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

@shutupmikeginn

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

@UnFitz

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

@NikiWithIssues

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

@Death_Buddy

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*