WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
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I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many