wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
You Might Also Like
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.