Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
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so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Jail
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.