wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.