*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
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So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
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I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
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Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
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When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
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Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
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Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
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Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
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Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
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A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.