[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
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Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I cannot call her anything else now
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?