Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
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Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*