WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
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Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
All is fair in drunk and war.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.