Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
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Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I think we should hear other voices.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.