WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
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Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.