WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
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Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
they should invent a hydrating liquor
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”