[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
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I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
this FaceApp is creepy af
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
*looks at you in batman voice*
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English