wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
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“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
one of
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
thank god
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.