WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
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Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
pizza
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
wishing you and yours all the best
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.