WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
You Might Also Like
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.