wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
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Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*