Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
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Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
channeling her this year
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house