wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
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i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
i prefer mine room temperature.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!