@KeetPotato

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”

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@MarfSalvador

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

@velvettusk

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

@thereverendcink

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

@simoncholland

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

@pauleggleston

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

@batkaren

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

@Shower4Thought

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

@msmollybee25

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

@sofarrsogud

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.