@MarfSalvador Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
@KeetPotato wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
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@MarfSalvador 
@velvettusk Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
@thereverendcink I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
@simoncholland 2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
@pauleggleston Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
@batkaren *medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
@Shower4Thought One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
@msmollybee25 This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
@midwestern_ope True
@sofarrsogud ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.