WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
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Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL