Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
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Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Beware of the dog..
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
That time Alicia messaged me
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!