@dafloydsta

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

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@RodLacroix

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

@thatchaddaniels

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

@mishakey

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

@sixfootcandy

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

@WineMummy

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

@BuckyIsotope

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

@daemonic3

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

@itsmebeegee07

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

@kornelski

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.