WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

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Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?


Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.


Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.


Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.



~A parent’s memoir.


Closing time, son
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox


You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed


My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”


Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.