WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
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U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
relationship goals
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
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Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft