*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
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For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Never let them know your next move 😂
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah