Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
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Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes