Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
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Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
this will hang in the louvre one day
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
new year update: losing everything but weight
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.