WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
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Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Beware of the “party goblin”…
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
But is it really??