WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
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[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
“our sushi is very fresh”
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.