Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
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SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.