Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
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I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Who called it baking and not making love
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.