[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
You Might Also Like
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions