wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
You Might Also Like
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco