Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
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So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
shit, they caught us—run!!!
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti