WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
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Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us