Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
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I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
he chose this
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana