Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
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Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”