wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
You Might Also Like
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]