WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
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Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Happens to everyone.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
How can I say no to this ?
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.