Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
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[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too