WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
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If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.