Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
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HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!