WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
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“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
💁🏻♂️
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.