Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
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Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.