[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
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When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it